Anger: Dealing with Anger in a Marriage
Would you believe me if I told you that anger was a natural and helpful emotion, even in your marriage? It’s not a negative emotion, but the way you express it can be positive or negative. It comes in many forms such as frustration, irritation, bitterness, humiliation, disappointment, etc., and usually tells you that a boundary has been crossed and something needs to happen to prevent that boundary from being crossed again. Although anger is helpful, if it goes unchecked, it can be like a toxic “friend” that whispers negative ideas into your head about your partner. We’ve all seen that friend whether in your real life or on TV that never has anything positive to say about the person you chose. All they see is the wrong they have done and constantly bring it up to you, which goes against what 1 Corinthians 13:5 says (love does not keep record of wrong). See Note 1. I want you to know that if anger goes unchecked it can make you forget the true character of your spouse/partner.
Let’s take a look at Ephesians 4: 26-27, which says: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.”. This scripture does not tell us not to become angry, but says do not sin. It also reminds us that in our anger, we give the devil a foothold, especially when that anger goes unchecked and turns into resentment, bitterness, and other strong emotions. Why? Once again, when that anger is not put in its place, it convinces us to become petty, unforgiving, gossip, and ungrateful. These are all things that dishonor God and can severely damage the relationship.
I recently had to remind myself of this scripture when I became upset about something my husband did. Even as a marriage and family therapist associate, I have to utilize coping skills when feeling frustrated with my husband and remind myself of the same ideas I share with my clients. I sometimes want to behave in a petty way or go tit for tat, but I am reminded of the studies I’ve read about and how damaging my response in anger can be toward our marriage, but most importantly I am reminded of the assignment I am given as his wife from God. So what do I do? I put Anger in its place, and here’s how I do it:
I pray. I pray and ask God to help me deal with the anger. I remind myself of Ephesians 4:26-27 and explain to God that I don’t want the devil to have a foothold on my marriage. I ask him to work in my heart and to help me have the patience to love him the way He called us to love one another (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I’ll be honest and say that sometimes my prayers start off with “God, change him”, but I am reminded that when we face opposition we tend to want God to change our circumstances instead of change us, so that leads me to wanting to pray for transformation within myself. There is nothing wrong with asking God to help your spouse in an area they struggle with, I just want to encourage you to also take a look at yourself as well. See Note 2
I remind myself of my husband’s character. I remind myself that he is human and makes mistakes just as I also make mistakes, and Jesus died for us both. There was a reason I chose to marry him, and now is the time for me to remind myself. Whatever my reason for being upset with him is insignificant compared to his core. This leads me to forgiveness, because I am reminded that he is human and that whatever he said or did was not done with negative intentions because the man I married would not intentionally hurt me or do things to upset me. I might also review the list of “good” I keep (*See Note 3: I’ve talked before on social media about how I keep a record of his good/right instead of a record of wrong based on 1 Corinthians 13:5). I might also read a few cards/letters he has written me over the years. I do all of this to remind myself of who he is, which tells my anger to shut up.
Lastly, I express some sort of affection toward him. Yes, even when I am mad I make myself give him a kiss, a hug, or tell him I am grateful for him or I love him. Sometimes I do it with an attitude! I’m not condoning that, but I am also a human who is growing. I do this because I want him to know that despite MY frustration, I still choose him (*See Note 4: emphasis on “my” because the way I feel belongs to me, not him). I also want to remind myself that he is the man I chose as well, and I still choose him. If I am still upset and I need to address the issue, I do so utilizing a variation of an “I statement” (*See Note 5), which does not accuse him, but expresses how I feel about the situation, which is how I set the boundary.
Doing this takes self-control and putting my pride to the side. I can be honest and say that this does not come naturally. If I were not in this field, I probably would not respond in this way, but when you know better, you do better!
My challenge for you is to pay attention to you when you feel angry. Pray and ask God to help you with your anger because it’s yours to deal with. Understand that it is human nature to feel frustrated about situations, but the way you handle the situation can make or break the relationship.
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Notes:
If you and your spouse are experiencing deep rooted anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. this method probably will not work for you. There is deeper work that needs to be done. I can help with that as well.
Sometimes when we face issues within our marriage, we point fingers at our spouse instead of looking at our own impatience, inability to compromise, defensiveness, etc. That’s why I try to take a look at myself first. This does not mean I ignore the areas he can improve. I address those areas as well, but I also acknowledge myself. How did YOU contribute to the situation? How can YOU be a better wife/husband? Go to God in prayer about that as well.
I highly recommend that you practice keeping a record of right about your spouse. Keep a notes tab in your phone or purchase a nice journal and every day write down at least one thing your spouse did that you appreciate. It can be big or small. Sometimes couples experience damage within their marriage because anger has changed the way they view their partner. Finding the positive every day can prevent that from happening. This does not mean ignoring the things that bother you, but it means giving more focus and attention to the things that you enjoy.
Your emotions are for YOU to deal with. They are not your spouse’s burden to carry. If you are mad about something, YOU should find a way to deal with it. You can deal with your emotions by talking about them to your partner, but if you have the expectation that your partner should fix your emotions for you, you are placing too much pressure on them. They should be a support for you, however!
I statements are “I feel (express how you feel using a FEELING word) when (explain the specific situation) happens. I would like (express the specific thing you would like instead). Ex: I feel frustrated when I don’t get help with the dishes. I would like for you to do the dishes on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I work late.
